Ruffled Feathers
by ev1lregal
Summary: RPF - Morrilla. Jen/Lana. When Jen doesn't show up for work one morning, Lana is sent to check up on her. "She simply stared at me. Or right through me; I couldn't tell. Her eyes were empty; no recognition of whom I was, expressing no curiosity as to why I was even here. She blinked a few times, and I noticed just how young and vulnerable she looked." TW: depression
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is for my special lady who was feeling particularly down one morning. When I asked how I could make life more bearable, she said she wanted a Swan Queen fic she could relate to. I have no idea how this turned into a Morrilla story, but it made the lady smile, so I won't question it any further.

Un-beta'ed, all mistakes and then some are mine

**Disclaimer:** Of course, I do not own these VERY REAL people. I don't know them or anything about their lives. I'm just borrowing their names and jobs.

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><p><em>I don't feel like smilin'<br>No there's nothing you could do for me  
>Today I just feel like dyin'<em>

"Has anyone seen Jen this morning?" Adam asked the group of us huddled under the heated tent. He looked more stressed than annoyed, with his clipboard clutched to his chest, a walkie-talkie in one hand and his headphones hung around his neck crookedly. The producer raked his fingers though his hair a couple of time, and I wondered why he chose today of all day to come on set.

It was a pretty cold day here in Vancouver; the biting wind howled through the thick Canadian woods not yet covered with snow. The sun hadn't risen yet, and judging from the heavy clouds, it never would, not that day. The cast scheduled to film that morning were all wrapped in blankets and clinging to their hot beverage, trying to stay warm, myself included. They were all in costumes already except for me; I was only there for 'moral support'. I didn't have a scene to film until the next day, but I had driven Fred, my husband, to the airport for a 5am flight and there was no way I would've been able to get back to sleep. The shooting location was on my way, I had nothing planned for the day so I decided to hang out at work. It was decidedly better than to sit alone by myself and if I were honest, I missed Jared's sweet innocence and Jen's bubbly energy. Yes, I missed them. We barely had any scenes together anymore.

"She hasn't been through makeup yet, we're running behind schedule. Anyone knows where she is?" Adam looked at Ginny pointedly, assuming she was aware of Jennifer's every move. I don't know why, but it ticked me off. Ginny shook her head and said that she hadn't heard from her friend since the night before when they had wrapped up for the evening. She bounced Oliver gently in her arms a few times like she always did when she was getting nervous about something, before she retrieved her phone from her bag. Maybe Jen had texted her or left a message, but the look on her face when she pressed the home button of her iPhone told me she hadn't.

"It's not like her to be late," Ginnifer said to me, worry written all over her face.

"I'm sure she's okay," I said offering her a smile.

"Maybe she's sick?" Jared suggested without looking up from his phone.

Ginny and Josh both looked up at his words and exchanged a brief look. She resumed bouncing Oliver, running circles on his back and bit her bottom lip. Her reaction made me feel uneasy, but I didn't say anything and went back to playing _quiz-up_ with Jared. I didn't look up when I heard Ginny leave a message on Jen's voicemail.

"Hey Jen, it's me. Can you call me back as soon as you get this? I'm wondering where you are, I thought you had to be on set today. Ollie is missing his morning cuddles! Let me know if you need anything, okay? Love you!"

I was intrigued by the message she left, perplexed by her choice of words and more so by her ton. I knew she was upset, yet she had sounded cheerful and unconcerned. She hadn't said she was late, or that the crew were starting to freak out because she was making everyone late. It was as if she didn't want Jen to feel…guilty?

I pushed the thought back and drained the last of my coffee. I had to admit I was pretty disappointed by Jen's absence. I really had been looking forward to catching up with her. A shiver ran down my spine. God was it cold out today.

"Hey, Lana, what's the – ugh! Never mind, time's up." Jared groaned. "I can't believe I lost again! I should know these answers I'm part of the show! This is so embarrassing!"

"It's okay. Nobody knows they are actually playing against you," I said unable to hide a smile.

"Yeah, but _I_ know!"

I laughed and threw my arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer to me. "Let me try, maybe I can beat the next opponent," I said confidently. I had played a few times before just for the kick of it and had managed to do pretty well.

The conversations picked up around me, but I wasn't really paying attention, all of my focus was on the screen; I was determined to win this round. Jared was shouting encouragements and whooping every time I got a correct answer. I was on fire! Ginny and Emilie were talking about Oliver. Josh, Colin and Bobbie were arguing over something…it was probably sport related if I had to guess.

Adam came back a while later, still asking where Jen was and if anyone had heard from her. If he hadn't been annoyed before he now sounded pretty angry which made me angry. He knew she never would've just decided not to show up for work. She was always early on set and always offering to help with anything she could. If she wasn't here and nobody knew where she was, something must have happened… They decided to start filming the second scene scheduled for that day while they waited for her. Adam called Robbie, Emilie, Jared and a few extras on set 4 and left.

I gave Jared his phone back and wished him luck, before getting up to refill my coffee. Steaming mug in hand, I decided to sit across Ginny who was now sitting by herself, Oliver, swaddled in blankets, still cradled in her arm.

"Any words from Jennifer?" I asked Ginny, trying my best to mask my growing concern. I knew it wouldn't do any good to fuel her anxiety.

"No," she replied shaking her head. She looked down at her son, pulling his little orange fuzzy hat down to his eyebrows. "She usually replies to my texts…"

"I'm sure she'll text or call as soon as she can," I said. "Maybe Jar was right. Maybe she just wasn't feeling good this morning and fell back asleep before she thought of texting anyone."

Ginnifer's head snapped up. "I'll go check on her," she declared with a frown of concern. She put the Starbucks travel mug she had just picked up back down on the table, and got up to hand Oliver over to his dad.

"Wait, Ginny, I'll go," I told her with a smile as I rose from my seat. "You are already dressed up and your son is here. Non sense in delaying them any further. Adam will lose his wits. I'll go over to her place and call you if there's anything wrong. How does that sound?"

She seemed unsure at first, unconsciously looking at Josh to see what he thought, but her husband was still talking animatedly with Colin, both men obvious to our conversation. She seemed to be pondering it for a few more seconds, and then she nodded.

"Okay," she agreed somewhat reluctantly. She bent down and hauled Oliver's diaper bag on the picnic table. She rummaged through it and dug out a set of keys.

"Here," Ginny handed them to me, and I raised a questioning eyebrow.

"You know how Jen is, she works herself to exhaustion. Maybe she finally crashed. You might, uh, need a key to her apartment." She spoke barely above a whisper. I had a feeling she wanted to say something more, she looked uncomfortable, bouncing Oliver again. I followed her gaze to my wrist where the shaft of my feather tattoo was exposed; the sleeve of my coat had hitched up a bit when I had extended my arm to take the keys. When I looked up, her green eyes had glossed over with unshed tears, and suddenly I thought I knew what Ginny hadn't dared say out loud. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. By breath hitched.

Ginnifer shook her head, blinking her tears back and smiled tightly. Without thinking, I pulled her into a quick hug, mindful not to squash the baby, and promised to call as soon as I knew anything.

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><p>I parked in the underground parking lot of the building, thankful there was an elevator that would take me directly to Jen's floor so I wouldn't have to walk outside. It had finally started snowing and the boots I was wearing were not appropriate for that kind of weather. I had no idea what I had been thinking when I went out that morning. Before exiting my car, I slid my thumb across my phone's screen to unlock it, and pressed the call button trying Jen's phone one last time. No luck. I sighed and ran a shaky hand through hair. I had no idea what was awaiting me up there. I don't know why, but my stomach was in knots.<p>

Grabbing my purse on the passenger seat, I pocketed my iPhone and got out. The beep of my car alarm and the hurried click of my heels echoed around the concrete walls of the empty lot.

Not even three minutes later I was standing in front of my co-star's apartment door. I knocked once and waited. A string of barks answered, but I couldn't hear anything else and the door remained closed. She had to be home; Jennifer Morrison never left without her dogs.

"Jen? It's Lana. Are you in there?" I tried knocking again. This time I heard a dog pawing at the door frantically, the soft clink of nails on the wood reminded me of Lola.

"Jen… I'm kinda worried so I'm just going to unlock the door, okay? Ginny gave me your key."

I wasn't expecting a reply, but I waited a few seconds just to be polite, before jamming the key in the lock. There was a sharp click and the door opened without resistance. A little white ball of fluff greeted me, tail wagging excitedly.

"Hey there, Ava. How are you, sweetie?" I cooed as I picked her up. "Where's your mommy?" I scratched Ava between her ears distractedly, "And where's Elliot?"

Jennifer's apartment was partially dark and eerily silent. The living room curtains had been drawn and all the lights were turned off except for the Christmas tree; its white tiny lights casting a warm glow around it. I noticed the pile of presents neatly wrapped under the tree, a painful reminder that once again this year, I was behind on my holiday shopping.

The light illuminating the hallway came from the wide windows in the kitchen. I had never been here before and from what I could see Jen had taken the time to make this place her home. It was elegantly and tastefully decorated; very modern. The living room was tidy except for a few dog toys scattered across the floor. A throw pillow that obviously belonged on the couch was on the floor, probably dragged down by one of the dogs at some point during the night.

Ava yapped in my arms, reminding me why I was actually there. I removed my boots and padded into the hall. The last room at the end of the hallway was the only one with the door slightly ajar.

"Jen?" I whispered when I got to the door. Could she have slept in? Maybe her phone had died over night. I felt slightly awkward, standing there. I finally pushed the door and it creaked open. I winced, expecting her to shoot up in bed, but everything stayed still. Light from the hall reflected in – what I supposed were – Elliot's eyes. Two laser orbs staring back at me.

"Hey, boy," I said making my way into the darkness slowly, careful not to bump into anything. I really needed to ask her where she bought her curtains because no natural light were filtering through. Amazing. I heard the dog shift in bed, the sheets rustling beneath him. Ava wriggled in my arms and I put her down gently. She ran quickly to the edge of the bed and jumped to join her _brother_.

The sheets rustled again, and this time I heard a very human groan muffled by blankets coming from somewhere in front of me.

"Jen? Are you okay?"

I walked and stood next to the nightstand, easily spotted by the glowing numbers (7:41) of the alarm clock and I fumbled in the dark, trying to find a light switch.

Flicking the button on, I turned toward the bed where Jen was sleeping. She had cocooned herself so good into her duvet I couldn't even see her mop of shiny blonde hair. I had no idea how she could even breathe in there; it made me feel claustrophobic just to think about it. I could never sleep with anything over my head. I rested my hand softly, not to scare her, on – what I hope to God was – her shoulder and gave it a little shake.

"Jennifer? Jen, wake up."

The mound of blankets moved, Elliot whined, and then nothing. I started to feel slightly panicked.

"Jen?" I tried again, shaking a little bit harder this time.

The blankets moved again, she seemed to be struggling to get out of her sheet burrito. She groaned louder and sighed. My heart sank at the sound of utter defeat that sigh carried. I decided to help her a bit and peeled back the layers of fabric.

Again, I expected her to jolt awake, scream, throw a pillow, hit me even, but I was not prepared for what I got. Instead, once freed from her prison of silky sheets, she brushed strands of hair clumsily out of her eyes and laid still. She simply stared at me. Or right through me; I couldn't tell.

Her eyes were empty; no recognition of whom I was, expressing no curiosity as to why I was even here. She blinked a few times, and I noticed just how young and vulnerable she looked.

"Are you sick?" I asked gently, running the back of my hand on her forehead and then her cheek to check if she had a fever. She didn't feel hot, but her skin was clammy, probably from hiding under the covers for so long.

"Hmmphh," she groaned and then rolled onto her back, an arm flopping on the pillow next to her head. That little effort had depleted her of all her energy. "I just really, really need a nap, Lana," she mumbled, her eyes already closed.

At least she knew who I was.

I was floored.

"That's okay, hun. You rest, I'll just sit here and read," I whispered. I sat on the edge of her bed feeling like my legs were about to give out under me. I rubbed her arm comfortingly even though I knew she had drifted off and pulled the duvet up to her chin, tucking her in. She hummed, and I couldn't help caressing her cheek.

I closed my eyes and let a single tear fall. Memories of a darker, painful time flooded my mind. My heart physically ached as violent emotions came crashing back down on me. The desperation, loneliness, and the physical and mental exhaustion I had once felt; still felt at times.

Elbows on my thighs, I rested my head in my hands. How had I not seen this sooner? I couldn't do this; blame myself. I wasn't being fair to myself, but I should have. No? I should have. I should have. I should have noticed. We were friends, weren't we? How could I have not seen her pain beneath that beautiful smile?

Guilt burnt in my stomach.

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><p><strong>AN: **It was originally going to be a one-shot, but it's getting longer and longer, and if I didn't post anything I would keep rewriting everything.

I'm hoping to be able to update at least once a week, if this is something you guys are interested in reading? Let me know. I'm also open to suggestions of what you'd like this fic to be. As always, any comments/criticisms are welcomed!

Feel free to drop by my tumblr (charmingregal) and say hello :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the ridiculous wait!**

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><p>After the five minutes of self-deprecation I allowed myself had past, I got up and shrugged my jacket off. Feeling guilty and blaming myself for being such a <em>poor<em> friend would not be beneficial to anyone nor would it be to the situation. There was also the possibility that I was completely off, and she simply was exhausted.

I laid my coat at the foot of her bed, unwrapped my scarf and quietly walked to the windows; my footsteps muffled by the thick carpet. I decided that Jen would probably sleep through any natural disaster at this point and deemed it safe to open the curtains.

The walls were an eggshell-white colour that matched her duvet. I couldn't be sure if the furniture was black or a really dark brown, but it reminded me of the colour scheme of Regina Mills' mansion. Unlike my character's home though, Jen's bedroom felt warm and inviting. There were pictures of friends and family everywhere on the walls, dresser top and a few frames scattered around on her bookshelves. Scanning them all quickly, I spotted a picture of us; a selfie we had taken on set when we were both wearing our Swan Queen sweater. I couldn't help but smile at that. We were big dorks and the fans seemed to appreciate it.

I noticed her phone was on the floor in the middle of the room. The screen was cracked, but it lit up when I hit the home button anyway. I could see she had a bunch of missed calls and text messages and I figured she had thrown it across the room in aggravation. A noisy phone when you are trying to sleep, I must admit, is awfully irritating. Unfortunately, the carpeted floor hadn't been enough to cushion its landing. It had probably ricocheted off the bedframe or the wall. Jen was notorious for her bad aim.

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><p>I browsed her shelves, looking for something to pass the time. I guess I could've watched some TV in the living room, but it didn't feel right to leave Jennifer alone. Between my busy work schedule, life at home and travels to visit friends and family, I hadn't had a chance to pick up a novel in a while and I found myself excited to get a couple of hours with a good book.<p>

She had an eclectic collection of books and I had no idea what I was in the mood for. Her tastes ranged from non-fiction (mostly photography and directing with a side of self-help) to sci-fi which really wasn't my thing. I was happy to see that her classic collection included a lot of my favourites.

Deciding I would revisit Steinbeck's _East of Eden_, I took it off the shelf and made my way back to the bed. I peeled back the covers on _my_ side and slipped under slowly, careful not to bounce the mattress and disturb her rest. I sat back against the headboard, knees up, with the book on my lap. Elliot had moved and curled himself at the end of the bed on top of my coat, and Ava wiggled herself between Jen and I and flopped on her back, paws in the air.

Before cracking the book open, I took my phone out and sent a quick text to Ginny to let her know that everything was under control.

_'__Jen's fine just tired. Tell them she won't make it today and possibly not tomorrow either. Just in case.'_

**_'_****_I will, thank you. I know today is your day off, but do you think you can stay with her? Just for a while, I'll come over as soon as I can.'_**

_'__Don't worry about it. I hadn't planned on going anywhere. I'm just going to sit here and read all day ;)'_

**_'_****_Okay thanks, Lana! Let me know if she needs anything.'_**

_'__I will. Have a good day, Snow White. Muah xx'_

I set my phone on the nightstand, got comfortable and started reading. A few pages in, my phone vibrated loudly on the wooden surface.

"Damn!" I hurriedly picked it up and took the call without looking at the caller ID frantic to make the sound stop.

"Hello?" I answered quietly, afraid to wake Jen up.

"Lana? It's me," Ginny said. "Listen I don't really have a lot of time 'cause I'm calling you in between scenes, but Jen… She's not…"

"She's depressed, I know," I interrupted her as gently as I could, trying to ease her discomfort. She probably felt like she was betraying Jen by telling me her secret.

"You, you do?" She said clearly baffled, "How? Did she tell you?"

I have to admit I was relieved I hadn't been completely off the mark. It would probably have been awfully awkward for everyone involved if I had assumed wrongly.

"Nah, I just recognized the signs," I said without offering anything more.

"Oh right, I see, well I have to go now." I heard someone yelling her name in the background and she sighed. "Can you just make sure she eats a little something at least?" she added quickly, "Josh and I will be over as soon as we wrap."

"Ginny, we'll be fine. You guys just finish your day and then go home with your little man. I'll keep Jen company. Fred is away for work anyway." I hoped she wouldn't argue. For some reasons I just really needed to be here and help as best as I could. I knew I was pretty much imposing my presence on Jen, and I had no idea if she actually minded me being there. Maybe she would be more comfortable with Ginny…

"Are you sure, Lana?" She didn't seem happy with my suggestion. Ginnifer Goodwin, just like Snow White, was a Mama Bear. She would do anything to help those she loved.

"Yes, unless Jen has a problem with it of course. I'll ask her when she gets up. Now go before they get mad at you. We'll be fine," I said laughing lightly wanting to reassure her.

"Okay then, thanks! Text me if anything happens, bye." Ginny seemed relieved. I imagined she was exhausted too. Being a new mom on top of our ridiculous filming hours would take its toll on anyone.

"Bye."

I stared at my phone. _'Text me if anything happens_,' I replayed her last words in my head. Was she expecting something to happen?

**_'_****_I don't want to pry, but should I be on the lookout for any…destructive behaviors?'_**

My phone lighted up instantly.

_'__No. She'll mostly just sleep.'_

Well, that I could handle.

_'__And cry.'_

Okay, tears I could deal with.

I turned my phone off for the time being to ensure that it wouldn't bother Jen's much needed rest, and I really wanted to be able to immerse myself in the novel I had chosen without any distractions. Smiling at Ava's awkward sleeping position, I fluffed a few pillows behind my back, leaned against the headboard and picked up the book where I had left off.

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><p>Jennifer rolled in her sleep, her right arm landing across my lap and it startled me. I looked up from the page I was reading to see that she had hidden her face on the pillow I was half sitting on. Without thinking, I brought my hand down and began stroking her golden hair.<p>

She made an approving sound, and I took it as an encouragement to keep running my fingers through her locks, gently working through the tangles they encountered.

She sighed deeply and I saw her peering at me out of the corner of my eye.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I asked, instantly feeling ridiculous for even asking. The fact that she was still in bed on a work day with her face half buried in my thigh were all the clues one needed. I was thankful she ignored my question, replying only with one of her own.

"What time is it?" Her voice was raspy from sleep. She rubbed her eyes childishly with a fist and I couldn't help but find it adorable. Her expression blank; I couldn't tell if she was somewhat glad, pissed or uncomfortable with me being here.

"It's only…" I leaned forward to get a look at her clock, "10:56am."

Jen nodded, her eyes still closed. She rolled on her back and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face. Ava wiggled between us and crawled closer to Jen, flopping back on her side waiting for Jen to scratch her belly. I used my phone as a bookmark and set it back on the bedside table.

"Good morning, Miss Ava," Jen cooed. The cheerfulness in her voice sounded as fake as it was, and the dog seemed to notice. She yapped once, nipped at Jen's fingers and made her way at the foot of the bed to cuddle with Elliot.

"Ugh! Great. Even my dog can't fuck stand me," I heard her mumbling to herself.

She stared at the ceiling for a while, lost in thoughts. I didn't say anything, waiting for her to break the silence when she was ready. I stretched my legs in front of me, and the rustling of the sheets pulled her out of her reverie. She turned her head to look at me. A long, hard stare.

"Why are you here? Did Ginny send you? You don't have to stay. I'm fine. She worries too much." Her voice was flat, no pretended cheerfulness; I found it eerily unnerving. Jen was usually so passionate about everything. You always knew how she was feeling; whether she was happy or angry with you. Right then, I had no idea what type of reaction to expect.

"I'm here because I was worried when you didn't show up for work and you didn't answer our calls. I offered to come and check up on you. Ginny was worried too," I told her gently. I didn't want her to feel guilty, but I didn't want to lie to her either.

Jennifer blinked and her eyebrows rose in confusion. She twisted her head around, looking for something.

"I don't know what I did with my phone, I'm sorry. I'm fine though," she mumbled while scrubbing her face tiredly with her hand. "You can leave now."

I thought it'd be better if I didn't mention the broken iPhone I'd found on the floor right away. I turned slightly on my side, tucking my legs under me so I was facing her.

"Are you though? I can stay with you if you want," I offered with a smile.

"You don't have to," she said shaking her head. "I'll be okay, just go. I'm really sorry for the inconvenience." Her monotonous tone was making it impossible to tell how she really felt and it was driving me insane. She definitely wasn't fine, that much was a given, but did she really want me to go or did she just think she was a burden.

"Jen…" I started, "If you truly don't want me here, I'll respect that and I'll leave, but if you don't mind me hanging around for a while, I'd like to stay. I can see that you are having a particularly…difficult day, and we're friends. Friends are family, and you take care of your family."

Jennifer stared up at me intently for a few seconds. I held my breath thinking that this was when she'd yell at me to 'get out of her house, that we're not friends,' but she didn't.

"You sound like Josh," she told me instead with the ghost of a smile, eyes suddenly brighter.

"Do I?" I asked surprised by the hint of amusement I detected in her voice.

"Mhm, he takes his father role very seriously. On and off screen. He won't admit it, but he worries more than Ginny. It's…charming," she said, chuckling at her own joke. I laughed too, pleased to see a glimpse of the Jennifer I knew.

"Well, if Josh worries it's because he cares about you," I said giving her shoulder a light squeeze. "We all do."

"I know," Jen said, rolling back on her side to hide her face in a pillow. "I just didn't… I don't want everyone to know, because once people do, words reach the media faster than I can snap my fingers and…and…" Jennifer stopped midsentence, shaking her head as if to clear it. Her fist clenched and unclenched around the sheet she held. Her eyes were closed and her hands shook. She drew in a shuddering breath and I knew she was getting herself worked up.

"Jen, honey, nobody's going to know, alright," I tried to comfort her, running my fingers through her hair like I had earlier. "I'm not gonna say anything and Ginny and Josh won't either. It's okay."

She didn't say anything. She drew her knees up to her chest, curling herself into a ball, her face hidden once more between her pillow and my side. I hated that she was hurting and there wasn't much I could do to make her feel better. Depression's a bitch that you can only ride out and hope that you won't drown before reaching the shore.

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?" I asked, hoping to distract her from her current thoughts.

"No," she shook her head slowly, "I'm just really tired. I think I'm gon' take nap." She turned with a grunt onto her stomach, her head now facing away from me.

Jennifer hadn't thrown me out, but she hadn't told me to stay either. Needing to know what she really wanted, I asked, "Do you want me to leave?"

She didn't reply, she didn't move. I thought she had already fallen back asleep. I decided I wouldn't leave just yet, not wanting her to wake up alone. I shifted back to a sitting position and was about to grab the book when I caught a faint "Please stay?" muffled by the pillow.

"Yes, of course I will," I replied, relieved to know she wanted me there just as much as I wanted to be there for her.

Everything was calm for a few moments, and then, her shoulders began to shake as she cried silently. I lay down next to her and rubbed circles on her back. Silent tears quickly turned into body-wracking sobs and it broke my heart.

"Jen, come here hun," I said, tugging on her arm gently.

She spun around, her face glistening with tears. I opened my arms and pulled her in. I held her tightly, cradling her head with one hand and stroking her back slowly with the other.

"I'm-I'm sorr-sorry," she breathed between sobs, and I felt my own eyes welling up.

"Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for, Jen."

"I'm ss-so tired," she said clutching at my shirt desperately"

"I know, you just rest, it's okay." I said softly. I rocked her back and forth until her cries subsided and her breathing evened out. Her grip on my top eventually loosened, but she didn't let go completely. I rested my chin on top of head and closed my eyes; the soft snores of Elliot (or was it Ava's?) lulling me into a light sleep.

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><p><em>Thank you for reading :)<em>


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